delve a little deeper....
Inspired by a conversation with Sarita during a discussion about going to see an open air opera in Verona (We're dead classy cultured whores you know!) here is a list of weird sexual encounters.
1. On a mans living room floor because he had just split up with his girlfriend and it felt too weird for him to shag me in their previously shared bed. He played me Wagner's Ring cycle (not all 16 hours of it) and told me the story of Brunhilde.
2. Ending up in some god forsaken place just outside Cambridge (and I don't mean a nice village I mean Bar Hill) with a man who had a hamster called Carlsburg. He has stolen a bar towel from somewhere and stuck a bit of paper with the word hamster written on it over the word beer. Despite him having the best hamster in the world the sex is long forgotten.
3. With the ex landlord of my local who was covering for the owners whilst they were away. He fed me free brandy and fucked me on the saloon bar floor (after he'd thrown everyone out). He was 50 something, I was 22.
4. Local in above pub. He was about 25 years older than me, had a glass eye, false teeth and had been in prison for armed robbery. He took me back to his where I discovered instead of an ashtray he emptied like a normal person he had a pile of cigarette butts and ash by his bed about 3 foot high.
5. The night of my 20th birthday me and my friends had picked up a gaggle of strange men on our night out. I ended up in bed with a Portuguese bar man called Paulo who I had been shagging on and off. He then left my bed to throw up (he was pissed, it wasn't me I'm pretty sure). I got offended, dressed and went back downstairs and managed to pull someone else. Went to bed with him. Paulo barged in mid bonk. Left in tears and didn't speak to me for weeks. Obviously these days I would have invited him to join in, but the concept of threesomes hadn't become a viable option hadn't entered my head. I was slutty but not adventurous!
6. The incident which will be forever known as the naked man in the wardrobe incident. I can't explain it any further because of who might read this, but lets just say it involved pretending to be a lesbians, a shared blow job, a boyfriend who we claimed to have a shotgun and a naked man in the wardrobe. After the kerfuffle and I let him out I felt I had to shag him to make up for the trauma and had to say things like 'Oooh I'm not a lesbian anymore'.
7.In a pub outhouse with a man I had just met and had spent 2 minutes snogging before I decided to drag him to outhouse. He couldn't get hard and it was all very unsatisfactory.
Of course these were all in my much younger days. Except the last one. That was this summer.