delve a little deeper....
There aren't many great things to write about Hounslow, other than me being in it isn't the sort of place that brings in visitors. There's a tired shopping centre, an Asda (whose car park has just been closed), lots of planes going over and Hounslow Heath, which frankly is just a large bit of scrubland whatever their website tells you about it being a "Local Nature Reserve and Site of Importance for Nature Conservation (of Metropolitan Importance)" I really wouldn't make the effort to see it.
What Hounslow does boast is three, yes THREE Poundlands. I have no idea why we need three Poundlands, especially as the high street also boasts a brand new PoundWorld, a 99p shop and a 97p shop. Seriously, the three Poundlands are literally five minute walks away from each other. You may have seen the press this week about Poundland's new sex toy range. Sex toys, in Poundland, for a quid?! Yes, indeedy!
Actually, they first released their pound bullet vibe a few years back (how did I miss this?!) but now they have extended their range further. It's called Nooky. Of course it is.
The range apparently includes a finger stimulator, a cock ring and a vibrating cock ring and lube. There's also his n hers libido stimulant pills called 'Vitality', herbal Viagra basically which claim to perk you up and of course the women's come in a pink packet and the men's in blue (don't get me started on gendered colours nonsense). They've also been doing condoms for years too apparently.
So, Fanny Price and I had a Twitter conversation about this exciting revelation and made a promise to test out these Poundland treats and as she was arriving today I set out to do some shopping this morning thrilled that I had not one, not two but THREE local Poundlands to choose from!
As it turns out I had forgotten I'm actually quite shy about buying sexy stuff. I get my condoms online partly because I can get them cheaper in bulk but also because I'm pathetic about buying them in person. Hell, whilst I'm in confession mode, I still feel a bit weird about buying tampons...
I find the sex stuff shelf easily in the same aisle as the 3 packets of no name paracetamol for a quid, Pound nail varnish and Polish shower gel but there are people about. Feel awkward. Is it because it's a bit tragic to be buying condoms in Poundland? Maybe a bit, but to be honest I'm the same in Boots. Incidentally, no cashier has ever said to me 'Getting plenty then!' with a saucy wink or looked sympathetic whilst I buy two packs of heavy flow Tampax so God knows where this comes from.
Decide too many people are about so buy a packet of Opal Fruits (or whatever they call then these days) and some batteries (for my vibe ironically enough). I then discover that this Poundland has self service checkouts! Hooray! I can buy pound sex toys and no cashier will be there to judge me!
I headed off to Poundland number Two because there were no bullet vibes, finger stimulators and I had decided that I wasn't going to eat any 'Vitality' stimulants so thought I'd see if the other Poundland had a better range. It didn't, and in a burst of bravery I grabbed a cock ring and some condoms and headed off for the self check out. Oh. No self check outs at this branch. This is obviously the less good Poundland. Found myself in front of a checkout and fronted it out. If she looked funny at me I'd say I was a journalist and it was for an article. Of course she didn't bat an eyelid. Well maybe she did, I wouldn't know because I was busy making no eye contact whatsoever.
Feeling yet more confident I headed back to Poundland One and grabbed a vibrating cock ring and lube and headed for the nice private self check out only to be ushered over to a real life person because there was a queue at the self checkout. Probably other people buying shamefully cheap marital aids.
So, having not found any bullets or finger stimulators and not fancying the pep pills however natural they claim to be, I have:
A vibrating love ring
A Joy Ring (non vibrating)
Some 'Tingle'- Stimulating Lube
Twelve pack of Sure condoms (flavoured and coloured)
Fanny and I are going to attempt to live tweet our testing out session later tonight so do try and join us on @Minxy_Lydia and @MissFannyPrice_ #QuidHoes.
In further 'What The Fuckery Poundland?!', look what else they sell...