delve a little deeper....
I was reading this blog about swinging for the single woman- Sex and the Swingle girl by Jemima in the It's just a hobby blog. It reminded me of a time when I was newly single, horny and looking for some no strings attached sex.
I met my husband when I was 25 and up until then my sex life had consisted of a few boyfriends and lots of drunken encounters. The world of swinging was just some vague notion of middle aged people trying to spice up their sex lives. Open relationships weren't a concept I had considered and although group sex was a wank fantasy I never thought I would encounter it. I never thought it would be something I would be brave enough to do and despite my various random and ridiculous encounters I had never happened across a threesome.
Then in 2007 when my marriage was well and truely down the pan and the husband was out the country (I was too scared to do anything naughty whilst he was in the country!) I discovered sex chat rooms on the internet and Gumtree (like Craiglist) which in those days had a NSA section. What a revelation! I had various MSN encounters which led to dirty phone calls and because my sex life had been put on hold (long story re shite husband), I had hit my 30's and had suddenly become aware of my sexuality and started to want to make some of my fantasies come true. I also just wanted some sex.
I had two encounters at my flat with men I had met online. They weren't great, the first guy was really shy and awkward and came on my leg within the first three minutes. Made no attempt to finish me off (or even start me off!) and I just didn't fancy him, couldn't be arsed to make a move on him and just wanted him to go away. The second man came round, fucked me vigorously and left very quickly. Whilst the thrill of being treated like this was very very exciting in some respects I did feel a bit used and whilst I wasn't looking for anything meaningful I did feel taken advantage of.
I then met a man from Liverpool in a chat room. We talked lots and had terrific phone sex as well as talking about other stuff too, a friendship I suppose. I went up to Liverpool to meet him at a hotel. We had an amazing time. I had oral sex for the first time in about nine years (yeah, he was a shit husband) and he came all over my face. This was something I became obsessed with. I had never had it done to me (Yes I was a slutty youth but it was all very tame!) and it was something really really wanted to do and I still love it now!
Liverpool boy was what I needed. He was a nice guy, not bad in bed (at the time I thought he was amazing but in retrospect that was only because I had been in the Sahara of sex for so long) and he did give me some of the sexual confidence I had lost. There was no chance of a relationship. I was married, he was miles away and had an on off complicated thing with a women he was madly in love with, but we got on and could be honest about our sexual desires, get some affection without any commitment or romance.
I then met a woman online (it's a long story and those who know me well enough will know why I'm not going to go into detail!) who was really into group sex, had gangbangs, picked up men in bars and had a boyfriend who enjoyed all this. I found it really difficult to comprehend how you could be happy watching the person you love fuck someone else, let alone a whole group of men. I guess she was the first person I met (I say met, we never met in real life, it was all by email!) who had an open relationship and participated in group sex. To me she was some sort of wildly exciting goddess who actually did some of the fantasies I had but never ever thought I would do!
After I left my husband (just under a year after my first encounter with Liverpool boy) I had barely unpacked my belongings in my new flat before I was online, gagging for sex, full of these amazing feelings of liberty and horniness! Thanks to Liverpool boy and an encounter with another man I met after LB but before I left my husband I was feeling sexy and attractive again. These men fancied me, they enjoyed fucking me and I didn't have to get them pissed for it to happen!
I had several months of fun. I picked up men online for purely sexual encounters. I wasn't interested in dating, getting to know them, I just wanted sex. It was even easier than shooting fish in a barrel! As a single woman online who wants sex without the dates I was in demand. A single advert on Gumtree would yield hundreds of responses. I was definitely in a buyers market! I had some great meets, some less so, but nothing awful. Some men I saw once (sometimes their choice, sometimes mine) and others I saw a few times.
I truely enjoyed it but I was getting to the stage that I was getting bored. The thrill of meeting strange men for sex did it for me (and still does!) but the sex was starting to get samey. I was starting to meet one man more often who I started to embark on a journey of sexual discovery with. He was someone I trusted, he had been in open relationships and was very keen to share me with other men.
He was the first man I ever enjoyed anal sex with, the first man to fist me, first man to pee on me, he gave me my first threesome. Firstly with another man and then one night we got a female escort on for my first girl on girl experience since I was 19! I did my first gangbang with him by my side and I was starting to understand the appeal of an open relationship. I started to *get* that it was possible to see someone you're really into shag someone else and not feel jealous, but hugely turned on by. Through these parties I met other men who I sometimes saw alone and once hosted a couples swinging night with one of them where I met a woman who I have since had several dalliances with and is still a great friend (sadly abroad now).
In the meantime I started escorting (after a foray on adult phone lines) so I really did't need to meet men as a single woman in the swinging world anymore. And NO I don't wish to either before anyone gets any bright ideas!
I'm not going to go into details about the swinging world. The blog link I gave you at the start of this is a great introduction.
NSA sex can be easy- it was for me when I was happily doing my picking men up and discarding them period but it can be complicated. It's really difficult not to keep jealousy out of it. It's hard not to let human emotions get in the way. I think there are very few people who are 100% comfortable with their partner whether it be a fuck buddy or a long term partner go off and shag other people, certainly more so for women than men. Call me sexist, but in my experience it's nearly always men who fantasise about watching their wife get fucked and very few women for the reverse. (Yes, I know I'm being terribly heterosexual!)
Fuck buddies or friends with benefits are all the rage these days. It doesn't just occur in the swinging scene, but with people who meet in the conventional way- at work, college, in the pub and still of course online through swinging sites, specific adult sex sights and even good old Twitter.
The key to a good fuck buddy relationship is communication and tact. Discussing what your relationship is about. Do you *just* do sex, or is it OK to do non sex stuff, like have a meal together or on a day out to the zoo. If these non sex events happen, both parties need to know that just because they are doing something other than shagging it doesn't mean anything. In my experience, both personally and knowing other people who have been in these situations often one half gets all panicky that the other wants more and withdraws. of course if one person does fall for the other and it's not mutual or convenient then things can get tricksy.
It can be a difficult balance to get it right. As much as we might be clear in our own minds that it's a NSA relationship it's not uncommon to suddenly feel a bit used if all you ever do is fuck or if one person leaves the minute they have come!
If one or both parties are also sleeping with other people there needs to be a level of tact employed. Some might find it a turn on to hear the salacious details, others will want to know nothing of your encounters elsewhere. However, even if you like the details, it can be hard to listen to your fuck buddy go on about how wonderful another woman is and how much he likes her!
So it can be complicated if you're both not on the same page and there are, as Jemima says in her blog the usual roll call of idiots, timewasters and trolls, but there are some fantastic genuine people out there!
If you're a woman and are interested in the swinging world do read Jemima's blog, if you didn't click on it before here it is again Sex and the swingle girl.
This blog didn't quite turn out how I had written it in my head a few days ago. The trip down memory lane wasn't planned, bu I enjoyed it and I hope you did too!