delve a little deeper....
Have just been fiddling around with my rates page to try and make it look nicer and to add more detail to what I will and won't do. Not that it will stop numpties from calling me at 2am inviting me to their B&B 50 miles away, but hey ho, I can but try!
I have also added lunch/dinner booking rates as well as 12 hour rates. I decided to keep it simple and offer a 12 hour rate than then specify between day and overnight rates. I thought it might be fun to do some going out and eating out bookings (seeing as noone ever bloody takes me anywhere) and I can be fairly flexible about what we do.
Anyway, this is what I have written on the topic:
I do outcalls to West London, Central London and Heathrow Hotels. I will require your hotel contact number and room number in advance of leaving to visit you to confirm the booking, therefore if you are staying in a budget hotel that does not have a phone in the room I will be unable to accept your booking.
I will not do outcalls to private residences, only hotels.
Outcalls to locations further than ten miles from my home may incur additional travel expenses, as I do not drive I am unlikely to travel long distances at short notice and certainly not late at night. I may request a deposit if I need to book train tickets in advance of visiting you.
My rate for a dinner or lunch date is £350. This includes four hours of my time and the split between food time and private time (i.e. the bonking) can be discussed in advance of a booking, but I expect you to be reasonable about this so not 3.5 hours in bed and a quick sandwich before I leave!
Overnights or All day Rate
I offer a discounted rate of £850 for 12 hours (whatever time of the day). How we spend our date will be agreed in advance , but I am happy to attend theatre performances, the cinema, tourist sightseeing and other fun pursuits (although I expect to be told in advance and not surprised with a parachute jump or similar!) I will expect to be fed at reasonable intervals and if the booking is an overnight one I would prefer some sleep or else Minxy will become Moany!
Seems OK to me and of course I am happy to negotiate over longer bookings if what you want something isn't mentioned above. However do not pester me with wanting discounts on my usual hourly rate else I will be offended and probably not wish to see you!
I can assure you that I can hold a reasonable conversation, know how to behave in public and how to hold a knife and fork.
Inspired by a conversation with Sarita during a discussion about going to see an open air opera in Verona (We're dead classy cultured whores you know!) here is a list of weird sexual encounters.
1. On a mans living room floor because he had just split up with his girlfriend and it felt too weird for him to shag me in their previously shared bed. He played me Wagner's Ring cycle (not all 16 hours of it) and told me the story of Brunhilde.
2. Ending up in some god forsaken place just outside Cambridge (and I don't mean a nice village I mean Bar Hill) with a man who had a hamster called Carlsburg. He has stolen a bar towel from somewhere and stuck a bit of paper with the word hamster written on it over the word beer. Despite him having the best hamster in the world the sex is long forgotten.
3. With the ex landlord of my local who was covering for the owners whilst they were away. He fed me free brandy and fucked me on the saloon bar floor (after he'd thrown everyone out). He was 50 something, I was 22.
4. Local in above pub. He was about 25 years older than me, had a glass eye, false teeth and had been in prison for armed robbery. He took me back to his where I discovered instead of an ashtray he emptied like a normal person he had a pile of cigarette butts and ash by his bed about 3 foot high.
5. The night of my 20th birthday me and my friends had picked up a gaggle of strange men on our night out. I ended up in bed with a Portuguese bar man called Paulo who I had been shagging on and off. He then left my bed to throw up (he was pissed, it wasn't me I'm pretty sure). I got offended, dressed and went back downstairs and managed to pull someone else. Went to bed with him. Paulo barged in mid bonk. Left in tears and didn't speak to me for weeks. Obviously these days I would have invited him to join in, but the concept of threesomes hadn't become a viable option hadn't entered my head. I was slutty but not adventurous!
6. The incident which will be forever known as the naked man in the wardrobe incident. I can't explain it any further because of who might read this, but lets just say it involved pretending to be a lesbians, a shared blow job, a boyfriend who we claimed to have a shotgun and a naked man in the wardrobe. After the kerfuffle and I let him out I felt I had to shag him to make up for the trauma and had to say things like 'Oooh I'm not a lesbian anymore'.
7.In a pub outhouse with a man I had just met and had spent 2 minutes snogging before I decided to drag him to outhouse. He couldn't get hard and it was all very unsatisfactory.
Of course these were all in my much younger days. Except the last one. That was this summer.
Last weekend I went to the wedding of an old university friend. I was very much looking forward to catching up with the gang and celebrating the last of our little crowd of five to get married. Seeing as two of us are already separated/divorced maybe the circle will start again as we start on the rounds of second weddings! Please note it won't be my turn again for a very long time! Well, at least it gives us all a reason to all catch up....
As well as some of my oldest girlies attending there were a few people I haven't seen for years, a few lads who we knocked around with, the bride's family and people we had met for one reason of other over the years. The difficulties with this as well as other social situations when you do what I do is what to say when you meet someone either for the first time or after a number of years when the inevitable question of 'So, what do you do?' comes up. I think, as a nation we are defined by our career. I know stay at home mums have the same gripe when asked the same question. They feel that people lose interest or are thinking What a shame, she was so clever/bright/ambitious once. But at least being a mum is socially acceptable. Answering 'Well, I'm on the game' isn't really the done thing and I somehow can never get my story straight in my head so usually end up mumbling 'Oh this and that' and changing the subject, which probably makes people think I am either a road sweeper or a drug dealing gun runner.
In situations when I know I wont be seeing the person again I use the line 'Oh I'm a dreadfully dull accountant' because people never ask much more. However seeing as both the happy couple are (very interesting and fun) accountants and graduated in accountancy the place was wall to wall full of accountants and my usual get out would probably land me in a sticky conversation about spreadsheets or P&L or something accountant-y. Apart from the fact anyone who knew me at uni would know full well that I cry when faced with lists of numbers and that I may have offered blow jobs and/or vodka in return for help with the odd bits of accountancy and economics I had to do on my hotel management course. It was never going to wash...
Then I discovered the bride had blabbed to some of the lads about my career choice, which I kind of expected she might have so I was a bit nervous how they would react to me ( or worse, their mumsy looking wives) . At least it meant they were less likely to ask me what I was doing these days- or at least not til after copious glasses of wine, in which case I would be better equipped to deal with the answer.
My first trial was with the bride's mother who certainly did not know about my job who after hugs (I'd not seen her in about 15 years) and pleasantries were swapped about our health and the weather she introduced me to her niece and said 'So, are you still in hotels? The intake of breathe from bride and another friend present was almost audible and in my head I was saying 'Oh yes, but only in bedrooms and by the hour'. I managed not to and said 'Oh no, not done that for years!' made my excuses about needing to get changed and ran away.
There was some ribbing later from the lads, but very gently and by that time I was pissed enough to shut them up with 'Well I bet my hourly rate is better than most people here!' (very crass I know, but that's what a free bar does to me). They didn't treat me any differently and the general consensus was I may as well be paid for something I used to distribute quite freely after the Friday night bop back in 1995.
However, I did tell someone (who I apparently met about 5 years ago) that I was an ejaculation facilitator and when they looked confused I leaned forward rather wobbly and whispered (loudly) 'That means I suck cock!' I don't think he believed me though and I sashayed off before he could ask any more.
So, it was all OK. My friends are a liberal crowd and they know me well enough to know I'm smart, safe, savvy, naturally slutty and well suited to the job. It does mean I have become a great source of anecdotes and well, a bit of a show and tell specimen. People are actually really fascinated rather than horrified by my work and I suppose because I'm not a boob tube, micro mini, thigh high boot wearing slut fest (in public at least!) and I am clearly not drug addled or repressed and exploited people do see a different side of prostitution. And despite having to answer the same questions every time* I do kind of enjoy educating people about what it's really like and well, I do quite like to be the centre of attention!
In fact I think my friends invite me to coffee mornings/to pick their kids up from school just so they can introduce their rather exciting whore friend who will keep the conversation away from nappies, the school run and tedious child based talk in general. I often hear things like 'I was telling my friend from yoga/the PTA/Brownies/whose daughter in little Johnnie's class about you and she wants to meet you Oh and she asked me to ask you X,Y,Z.'
So despite that I always worry about being a social leper I haven't ever really encountered any nasty or horrible reactions from people. The worst it gets is a concern for my safety (which is kind) and comments about how they could never do it, the overwhelming reaction is 'Good on you!'
I do however think there is a generation gap, I suspect my parent's generation would be a little more horrified and I would never embarrass someones mum or granny!
*The questions. my answer in brackets
1. But isn't it illegal? (no. Followed by explanation of UK laws and a rant about how stupid and archaic they are)
2. Eww, but don't you have to shag dirty smelly old men? (Nope, I stick those ones in the shower with dettol and I like old men anyway)
3. Wow! I bet you earn a fortune, what's your hourly rate? (Um no and didn't your mother teach you it's rude to ask what someone earns?)
4. Have you shagged anyone famous? (That would be telling! accompanied by mysterious smirk.
It's been a while since I blogged and that's because I have a busy bee and also away in Birmingham on a mini tour. This did not go particularly well. Not sure why, but clearly I do not appeal to the men of the West Midlands. I can safely say I will not be touring again. I've given it three goes and whilst I had a great time in Guildford, it really isn't worth the expenses when I have a perfectly nice base in Hounslow. From now on if you want to see me somewhere further afield I will expect you to book and pay for the hotel! I think that's fair huh? Of course I may get cabin fever and decide to try again another time, but hey, I'm a girl I can change my mind on a whim! For now I shall stick to London.
However, I had a better weekend despite Brum not being great, having no hot water on my first night and the bedroom door falling off on the last day. Yes really- here's a photo to prove it!
I think that has to be possibly the dullest photo I have posted here.... Will get back to boob shots tomorrow!
Anyway, the weekend was much nicer, spent it with an old uni friend in the countryside and went to see Blur in Wolverhampton on Sunday night. Awesome gig, loved it so much and made me forget about crappy Birmingham. I have been a massive Blur fan for years (this was the 7th time I have seen them live) and I think this was the best gig (although, I think I say that each time!). They really were on form, it was a nearly 2 hour set and OMG they were fabulous. I shall not get all fan girl on you now, but really, it was great.
Well, I am back in London now and looking forward to getting back to my lovely local boys. I took last night off to go and see THIS. It's on tonight, the last night, it's only £6 and she is hilariously funny and gives a brilliant insight into the world of escorting.
Me in my slaaaaag poncho! yes, I know I'm hot! ;)
Had a fabulous weekend, hence no updates, well that and the fact I was laptopless (which isn't the same as being topless!). Laptop is now working again and I have had a rest after my weekend and raring to go again!
Had a night out with a couple of girlfriends on Saturday, starting with a yummy Thai meal. I don't usually eat Thai, but I was outvoted and it was actually pretty good. We visiting a few local pubs and flirted with strange men. Well I did, the other two just rolled their eyes at me and said you're not on duty now, you don't have to be nice to old men which I thought was a bit mean. I like men and these were quite sweet and harmless.
Anyway we were invited deep sea fishing by one chap, which was an offer we all sadly turned down. We saw a man with a mullet, which I am not sure if was worn in bad taste or in irony. Maybe it was for a bet. We discussed politics. My favourite quote of the night was my sister in law announcing that 'saying you're a Tory these days is a bit like publicly admitting you have genital warts' which amused us greatly.
We ended up paying a tenner to get in to some crappy pub (I shall not name it) on the basis it had a dance floor and was open until 1am. It was meant to be a fiver each but I knocked the bouncer down to £10 for the three of us. The floor was sticky, I mean really sticky, if you stood still for more than two minutes it took another ten minutes to unstick yourself. The bar was out of gin and out of lemon slices and ludicrously expensive- in a rip off way not in a we are in a classy place way. We had a good dance though (we had to to stop ourselves becoming adhered to the floor) and swatted off the many predatory males circling the dance floor. I did have a snog with a nice young Nigerian man who danced with me though. I thought as non married person I should demonstrate the advantages of not having a husband and that even at my ripe old age I can still pull in grotty pubs!
After closing we went on a mission to find somewhere else to go, but failed. I had to point out this was Hounslow and there were not any secret late night venues to be found! There was an incident with parking cones on head (theirs not mine) and the humping of a cycle rack (again not me, this is what happens when you buy married mothers doubles all night) and somehow we ended up back at mine. Was great fun and a giggle and we all felt a tiny bit iffy the next day. However we had a mission and had to get into gear for some festival going. We stopped at Tesco on the way and saw Dirty Den which excited us a lot, I had to stop friend from following him around though. Us London people are too cool to notice famous people I told her.
We eventually got to Kent about 3pm where by now it was drizzing and cold and I had to change out of my very short shorts into jeans and put my cardi on :(
Got drenched when we first arrived but we had some awesome ponchos (Danish ones called Regnslag, which caused much hilarity and we sat about saying slaaaaag a lot). OK we looked like idiots in ponchos but we stayed dry-ish. The sun did come out and we saw some awesome music including Kool and The Gang who we were a bit cynical about, but who ended up being brilliant fun and kinda sexy. It was pointed out after Nigerian the night before I must be going through a black man phase...
We also saw Psychedelic Furs, The Levellers, Richard Ashcroft who was mighty brilliant and still had that bolshy northern swagger going on and Suede who we all adore and who played brilliantly. The atmosphere was lovely all day, a very laid back friendly festival and would definitely go again. Here are some nice pictures!
I have had a couple of days off and all has been very lovely. I had a hot date on Monday night with an old friend which was fantastic, catching up with people you thought had disappeared forever is always a pleasure (oh and boy, was it pleasurable!)
I have then had a friend staying. Poor woman, I sent her off to Hounslow with my keys whilst I lay about drinking champagne in a smart hotel Monday night and then abandoned her yesterday whilst I went for lunch with two new friends! We did catch up properly last night though over an Indian meal and much putting the world to rights went on til 5am this morning!
Nose back to the grindstone now though.... I need a better expression than that though... Pussy back to the pleasuring? Anyway, I digress, back to work now with plenty of availability having been playing hard to get over the past few days. Oh there is still time to book me for Leeds which incidentally I am very excited about. I am about to clarify my timings so please visit this page to see whether you can fit me into your schedule! I can't wait to do my very first hotel incall!
Here is a catch up for you because I am an appallingly bad blogger. I write blog posts in my head all the time then never get them down on paper (so to speak). I have no recollection of anything interesting or clever I have thought of to tell you about so here is a run down of my week.
Valentines day was partly nice because I saw a lovely man who bought me lovely flowers (which was more than any other man in my life bothered to do *growls*), I then had a time waster extraordinaire who fed me all manner of special requests, including what colour I should paint my nails and then bottled it. As you can imagine I was not impressed having set aside three, yes three whole hours for him and turned down other bookings. I also understand if men can't attend a booking, but to fib to me and mess me about is not very nice. If this is you then you are now in my phone as 'Timewaster'. Valentines eve was rescued in part by having a hastily arranged dinner out with a girlfriend followed by a couple of drinks.
Wednesday I met up with a couple of other friends for drinks and dinner where much wine was consumed. Instead of going home at the end of the evening like a good girl I called upon a friend for a late drink on the way home. Ended up in an Austrian cellar bar where the staff wore lederhosen and and an old man played the saxaphone. There was also a singing goat... and to prove I am was not addled here is a photo of said goat. It was singing The Lonely Goatherd...:
An odd night, but you know how the most random unplanned nights turn out to be the most fun! Ended up crashing at friend's as was embarrassingly pissed and probably very annoying.
Spent Thursday with hangover from hell, I am too old for all this and am detoxing this week.
In other news do you like my new tights?
Don't ask why I was taking a picture of my legs in a train. I got lots of compliments on them by random strangers which is always nice.