delve a little deeper....
A lighthearted (or possibly catty) view of some of the types of men one can encounter on punting forums. With apologies to Roger Hargreaves
Mr Know It All
He is: The Long term hobbyist.
Likes: Writing reviews, boasting, saying the same thing over and over again.
Dislikes: Being questioned on his opinions
Most likely to say: I've been punting for 78 years and have punted with 68,000 women including Eskimo and Inuit women. I've had some right stunners in my time!
He is: Appalled he has to pay for sex
Likes: Soho walk ups
Most likely to say: I don't know why these girls think they can charge more than £30 an hour. Most of them are chunky and nothing much to look at anyway. I've had some great punts for £10 and who cares if they don't speak English as long as they are fit and let me bang their pert arses I'm happy!
He is : New and nervous
Likes: Asking questions, a lot of questions.
Dislikes: Living at his mums
Most likely to say: I've been lurking here for 4 years and I think I'm ready to lose my virginity. Who do you recommend? What shall I ask for to make my first punt special, anal or bondage? I'm really scared I'll get ripped off or catch a disease. Does clingfilm work instead of a condom?
He is: The moraliser caught between guilt and lust.
Likes: Telling married men they deserve all they get if they get caught. Saying he is never ever ever punting again.
Dislikes: Believing that escorts enjoy what they do
Most likely to say: Escorts fake everything! or How could you treat your partner like this?! You disgust me!
He is: On a never ending quest for a hooker girlfriend
Likes: Thai women
Dislikes: Being told he is a fool
Most likely to say: I have a really great rapport with this girl, I know she likes me as she has stopped charging, but I'm paying her rent and I'm paying to fly her brother over to the UK. I think it's love because I'm sure she doesn't see any other men anymore.
He is: The one that starts pointless threads
Dislikes: Most things
Most likely to say: Don't you just hate it when a woman's wallpaper doesn't match your pants? And what about avocado bathroom suites? Vile! I emailed this girl ten whole minutes before I arrived asking for pink lacy knickers, a halterneck dress and purple lipstick and she didn't even bother!
He is: Pretending to be nice but is a stalky creep
Likes: Telling women where they are going wrong
Dislikes: Being told after meeting 3 women he is not a world authority on escorting.
Most likely to say: I'm a perfect gent, it's all about pleasuring the lady. I even tell her how she can improve her website and make herself look prettier. I often bring biscuits along and stay for ages chatting and we email or text daily. I'm really upset my last lady got an injunction out on me.
Rewrote another Christmas carol this morning. This is how I spent my time seeing as I was let down by not one but two potential clients. Luckily this means I shall be extra horny for my late afternoon chappy!
Anyway, this time to the tune of Good King Wencelas (yes I know there should be one more verse, but I was starting to go insane)
Minxy Lydia was a tart
You could not do better
Book an hour for a start
You could write a letter
But an email or a call
Will get you seen quicker
Guaranteed you’ll have a ball
Specially if you lick her
Plain straight sex or something new,
Fingers up the botty.
Anal play is not for you?
Still come see this hotty
She does roleplay very well
Take your pick cos she won’t tell
That your bum is hairy
What about a rude French Maid,
Or a slutty school girl?
It’s your choice, be not afraid
Want to be a squirrel?
She has heard it all before
Nothing will now shock her
Don’t forget she is a whore
And an anal fister
She can be a sweet girlfriend
Don’t need to be kinky
All your needs she can attend
She is very busty
You can play with her big tits
She can suck your cock off
Slide it in to see it fits
And give her a good boff
To the tune of Once in Royal David's City.
Should you want to sing the real version to purge yourself of my badness then here they are
1. Once in royal London’s City
Stood a lonely sexless man
Where can I get laid he wondered
On his iphone he began
Minxy was that floosie, wild
Called her up and he then he smiled
2. He came down from town to Hounslow
She was hot and not too tall
And her prices are quite fair,
And her titties are not small;
With her hand and mouth did slowly,
Make his cock so hard and poley
3. And though all this wondrous session
He would kiss and fondle her,
Stoke and watch the lovely Lydia
In whose gentle arms he lay:
Paying Punters all must be
Clean, obedient, good as he.
4. For she is an excellent escort
You should see her for yourself
She is minxy, hot and saucy
Sucks a cock like no one else
And she is a cure for sadness
Book her now and feel the gladness
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve truckers dogging,
Eleven men a pissing,
Ten fingers fisting,
Nine lashes whipping,
Eight inches fucking,
Seven mins of rimming,
Six hours of licking,
Five anal beads,
Four leather straps,
Three big black cocks,
Two nipple clamps,
And a face full of sticky cum!
I thought I'd send my Christmas wishes to Santa in a re wording of a popular Christmas tune.
A light hearted look into the types of escorts I have come across since I have been in this murky world.
The High Class Whore
Her profile reads: I am an exclusive, elite courtesan available to meet discerning gentlemen. I am highly educated, speak five languages and am a UN ambassador in my spare time.
What it really means: I like rich old men to buy me presents.
What she’s most likely to say on Saafe: Nothing, she doesn’t mix with common prossies.
What she’s most likely to say on a punting forum: I charge £500 an hour because I only wish to meet discerning gentlemen whose company I will enjoy and who will appreciate my beauty.
What she most likes about the job: Rich old men buying her presents
What she hates about the job: Rich old men.
The Teen Whore
Her profile reads: I’m sooooo wet and horny for you :) I love sex and wanna be your cum bucket!!! J Your gonna be so hot 4me when you see my sexxxxxy schoolie ass! :) :) :)
What it really means: I’m skint and screwed up emotionally.
What she’s most likely to say on Saafe: He wants me to pay him £60 in advance and wants to meet me in a deserted car park with 3 of his mates, do you think this is a scam?
What she’s most likely to say on a punting forum: Fuck off! I work how I want and no one messes with me!
What she most likes about the job: The cash
What she hates about the job: All of it but would never ever admit it.
The Hobby Whore
Her profile reads: I’m a very busy woman who loves sex. I’m young, fit and curvy in all the right places, I don’t show my face for discretionary reasons but everyone says I’m really pretty!
What it really means: I do this to supplement my minimum wage job and to buy pretty shoes, handbags and fake tan. I really don’t take this seriously, but I do think that I’m better than anyone else, especially those poor women who do it for a full time job.
What she’s most likely to say on Saafe: I’m really busy and making a fortune!
What she’s most likely to say on a punting forum: Oh hunni, you’re so right! I agree with everything you say, I love all my clients!
What she most likes about the job: When she gets good sex and doesn’t have to do much.
What she hates about the job: Having to avoid shagging the ugly ones and wanking them hard to make them come some they’ll go away.
The Swinging Whore
Her profile reads: I’m a hot MILF who loves to fuck!
What it really means: Ooh it’s like swinging except with money!
What she’s most likely to say on Saafe: My husband is always in the next room for security.
What she’s most likely to say on a punting forum: I’m an older woman and love doing this; I only do it for pleasure and like to spend time getting to know my clients. The money means nothing to me.
What she most likes about the job: She can do it when she’s in the mood and it’s better than shagging the hubby.
What she hates about the job: When the kids make a noise upstairs when bonking someone on the sofa.
The foreign Whore
Her profile reads: I am thin secy gril who love to meet nice men. I will do anal and without condom for extra £20
What it really means: Someone else has written my profile
What she’s most likely to say on Saafe: Saafe? I do not have heard of this.
What she’s most likely to say on a punting forum: Why would I speak to them men on computor?
What she most likes about the job: Sending money home to her family, getting a client to buy her grandmother a goat.
What she hates about the job: All men.
The Agency Whore
Her profile reads: I’m 21, size 10 with a 36D bust! I love to party!
What it really means: I’m 29, size 14 with a 34C bust. I am a habitual coke user.
What she’s most likely to say on Saafe: I can’t post much because I work all night and sleep all day.
What she’s most likely to say on a punting forum: She doesn’t.
What she most likes about the job: Free wine and hotel rooms
What she hates about the job: Shagging ten men a night.
Her profile reads: I'm a beautiful curvy girl with huge tits and a big bouncy arse!
What it really means: I'm fat
What she’s most likely to say on Saafe: I'm a big girl and there are loads of men who book me so it's not all about being young and thin.
What she’s most likely to say on a punting forum: I'm a big girl and there are loads of men who book me so it's not all about being young and thin.
What she most likes about the job: Feeling smug when thin girls moan they are quiet.
What she hates about the job: The way she justifies to herself that has to stay this big for her business when feeling guilty about eating an entire cheesecake,
The Hardcore Whore
Her profile reads: Who knows, men just book her on the basis of her stunning photographs and array of excellent reviews.
What it really means: I’m fucking good.
What she’s most likely to say on Saafe: It’s all very easy, you need to advertise everywhere, tour your bollocks off, spend 24/7 thinking about business and have no life, but it’s worth it so I can spend the summer in Mauritius.
What she’s most likely to say on a punting forum: I'm booked up for the next 3 years so I really don’t have time to sit around on here.
What she most likes about the job: That’s she’s rich enough to take 6 months a year off and every other working girl is intimidated by her.
What she hates about the job: She can’t remember her real name any more.
Read this today somewhere on the internet (probably Twitter because I have become addicted and even did a happy dance when Caitlin Moran replied to one of my Tweets!)
"I like my coffee like I like my men; first thing in the morning before I'm barely awake"
Amused me, nothing nicer than slow, sleepy, warm cuddly sex and more original line than 'I like my coffee like I like my men; strong and dark'
Although I do quite like 'I like my coffee like I like my men; ground up and kept in the freezer'
So, how else can I compare how I like my men to coffee?
Hmmm, well I limit my coffee to two cups a day which is close enough to how I work, but I could easily have more men! I couldn't manage seven coffees at once, but I could certainly handle seven men! I don't have coffee after 4pm which is most definitely not how I like my men!
After much thought, here is my top ten of how I like my men and coffee (in no particular order).
I like my coffee, like I like my men...
1. ...Sitting on the kitchen counter
2. ...with a good head
4. ...every morning without fail
5. ...available on my whim
6. ...able to perk me up in an instant
7. ...with a teaspoon sticking out of them
8. ...to smell good
9. ... spilled all down my tits
(I got stuck at number 7)
Something I hear and read fairly often are the words 'I haven't done this sort of thing before' when chaps contact me to arrange a booking. It always makes me think of the scene from Father Ted when Ted and Dougal are protesting against a blasphemous film. Here's a clip is you don't know what I am talking about...
It always amuses me. If I had time I'll tell you about the time I met Father Jack (actor Frank Kelly) in a bar in the west end, but we'll save that for another day!
Anyway, I had an email this morning from a chap who was saying he 'hadn't done this thing before' and once I had chuckled over the image in my head of Father Jack I thought it might be useful to post something about the actual process of booking and visiting me so chaps new to this lark know what to expect.
I'm going to write it later (said newbie has booked me so I need to shower and make self lovely) and then I can link the blog entry to my other pages and make it a nice clear 'How to' guide without the Irish Priest waffle.
I spend way too much time on the internet. There is just so much stuff to look at as well as doing routine admin type stuff related to my work. However sometimes somethings really make me laugh. This site is one of my current favourites- http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/
Go on read it, its silly and funny.
In other news, the weather has warmed up, but it's gone all sticky humid warm not nice sunshiney warm. This is worse than rain.
This Sunday I am off to a festival. Lets hope it stays dry and not too muggy. We're only going for the day, I have never been the festival camping type and I have an aversion to portaloos and I like actual beds and a supply of electric when I go away somewhere. All I need to do is decide what to pack. The way things have been I will be taking a brolly and suntan lotion and probably several bits of clothes in case its hot/gets cold in the evening/rains/I spill something on me. Oh and sturdy boots, pretty shoes and flat shoes for when pretty shoes start to hurt. I fear I may need a big backpack to put all this stuff in...
Do you know what a meme is? It's an internet thingy that could be a picture or a list or um, something. Look here, these are memes. Anyway, I decided to do one based on one currently going around the internet. Here is an example:
Here is mine:
It's not the clearest cos I did it in Word and this is the only way I could load it into this blog. Anyway, it is not perfect but it is my first meme and I am proud of it!