delve a little deeper....
My mother has known what I do for a couple of years now. It's not been easy and it's strained our relationship somewhat. However, we are working on it and I have not been disinherited or sent to a mental asylum for loose women. She brought up the topic of 'what I do' yesterday and uttered the lines (which I have heard many a time)
'But don't you have to see awful, yucky men?' I told her no and that my clients were very nice and clean and mostly lovely.
'But aren't they the sort of men who can't find girlfriends?' she insists.
'No, most of them are married' (ignoring implication that everyone actually wants a girlfriend) I say.
'Oh!' (she looks confused) 'But why would a married man need to pay for sex?'
I am now slightly incredulous. 'Because they don't get any sex at home!'
(Mother now incredulous) 'Really? How odd.'
She stops to take this in and I have to stop myself from thinking too much about why my mother would assume that all married couples have sex. I should be pleased that after forty odd years of marriage my parents have a sex life, but at the same time Ewwwww, no no no! Bad thoughts.
She then started on about 50 Shades of Grey and now that she has a Kindle might read it. I told her not to. I think it might be a bit much for her, not to mention that it's badly written and edited and gives a bad, unrealistic, unhealthy take on 'that kind of thing'. I did not want to have to explain what BDSM meant. Although, I did wonder for a minute whether kinks were inherited genetically...
Boxing Day- the day after the excesses! Had enough of leftover turkey, kids driving you round the bend almost as much as the adults in your family?
What you need is a post Christmas session with me.
I guarantee: No television, no shouting, no annoying children, no turkey sandwiches, just a peaceful, relaxing sensual session.
Come see me for a soothing massage, a long sloppy blow job, some mindless fucking or a conversation with someone who isn't going to make any demands on you.
Call or text me to make a booking. I'm here all day on the 26th, but away 27th-29th, but taking bookings for pre new year sessions on the 30th and 31st.
It's really difficult to talk/write about hating Christmas without coming across as a miserable old bag or sounding smug and virtuous in my refusal to get involved with the whole ridiculousness of it. I'm going to try and explain myself though!
Back in September someone on my personal Facebook posted 'Only 13 weeks til Christmas!' and since then the fuss has been increasing in momentum weekly.
Christmassy food stuff starts to go on sale at Easter until you're at the point where you can't seem to buy 'normal' food anymore, just giant sized family packs with holly berries emblazoned on the packaging. It's sometimes tricky enough shopping for one (I get bitter at 2 for I offers that I can either not eat in time nor carry because I don't have a car as it is!) but when everything because 'family' sized and I can't find any Marmite because all the shelves are filled with sodding mincemeat and cranberry sauce I get pissed off.
And why do people need to buy so much? I understand if you're entertaining for your entire extended family you're going to need to buy a lot, but surely that should be cancelled out by those who are going away for the festive season? In the past week I have had the misfortune to need to pop into a supermarket several times and the amount of stuff people seem to be buying is staggering! Who eats it all?!
Actually, no one eats it all... According to a national survey commissioned in 2011 by food waste disposer maker InSinkErator Brits spend £3.3 billion on food over Christmas and on Christmas day the average family will spend £133.70 on Christmas lunch. Not only that, More than half (56 per cent) of 3,000 householders polled admit they will throw away between 20 to 30 per cent of that extra Christmas food as waste this year, that's an extra 50 million bags of rubbish, or £600m of food. That's wasted. Thrown away.
It's so greedy and wasteful it actually upsets me, especially when you read about how some people have nothing and I'm not just talking about those in third world countries. How many of us read The Metro (free paper) on 5th December and were horrified to read about the increase of pressure on the UK's food banks?
The number of people turning to food banks is expected to double to more than 220,000 this year due to the economic climate and cuts in benefits. Why do 220,000 people in this country need charity to eat, whilst others can afford to spend 400 quid on an iPad for their 6 year old??
Why are people having to walk ten miles each way in the rain to collect free food while teh rest of us are moaning about how exhausted they are from traipsing round the shops? It's all so sad. Full Metro article here.
The inequality of wealth is a huge worldwide issue and I don't intend to get into it now or suggest how to change it, but Christmas seems to make people forget any injustice in the world and their own needs and desires for a 'perfect' Christmas take over.
I hate the whole present buying thing. Not because I am mean and stingy but because trailing around the shops desperate to find something to buy someone something they really want is miserable. I hate the concept that because it's Christmas I have to buy a present.
I prefer to do things with my friends throughout the year that we will enjoy together. I prefer my money to go on having great dinners together, going to gigs, jaunting off on mini breaks or just catching up for a pint (of wine). Those things are far more meaningful and important to me and create happy memories which are priceless. Having lunch with my brother without his wife and kid (as much as I like them ) like the old days is more special to me than him having to battle round the shops working out what the hell to get me just because it happens to be coming up to December 25th.
Gifts should be given because you care, because you've seen something that will make someone smile are far more fun than a pair of socks because you're desperate and it's 5.30pm on Christmas Eve. Luckily I have trained most of my close friends into this way of thinking and as a family my parent's were never extravagant with us so spending lots is not something any of us do. Afterall, how many people when recalling happy childhoods say 'It was because my parents bought me lot's of stuff'? Never. Happy childhoods are about a lot more than material goods.
According to research carried out on behalf of charity Family Action, most UK families will spend between £530 and £682 on gifts, decorations, food and drink. The lowest price for an acceptable Christmas for a low-income family with two children is £182,- but the average family can spend up to £700. That seems a lot of money, fine if you can afford it but according to statistics compiled by Supermarket.com 47% of parents are under pressure to spend more than they can really afford. I think that's a really sad reflection on society. Who wants to be raising children who think that they can have what they want or that the way to be happy is through material spending? That's what I hate about Christmas. This pressure to spend, spend, spend.
And if it's not cooking up a mountain of food, maxing the credit card on gifts people don't want and children don't really appreciate it's this notion that Christmas means you have to go out and get blind drunk at every opportunity. Was this what Jesus had in mind?
It's commonly known that A&E units are busiest over Christmas, the two week festive period sees around 40% of attendances due to alcohol related accidents and illnesses. Now, I'm not teetotal by any stretch of the imagination, but for an adult to drink so much they end up in hospital is ridiculous and stupid and because it's Christmas really doesn't make a good excuse. At least now I don't have a 'proper' job I'm not expected to spend my evenings in the company of work colleagues and staff under the guise of 'Christmas Party' and eat crap mass produced food at a big table with the most boring people ever and who hate me anyway because I am their boss!
So, as well as spending too much (presents, decorations, things to wear, food, drink and cards) we have to spend time with people we don't much care for be it the neighbours for sherry, family we don't like, work colleagues who we see too much of anyway and friends of friends we think are pricks we have to do it beautifully. The pressure to be a combination of a top chef, an A list Party Planner, a perfectly dressed super model is at it's most intense at Christmas.
I don't do it- I buy for my immediate family and never spend too much, I don't go to parties I don't want to, I don't see people I don't want to, I am having a simple lunch with a good friend and her elderly mother who are both wickedly funny. I don't send cards (what a bloody waste they are) but instead give money to charity and don't give a toss if people think I am a bit Bah Humbug. I just can't wait til it's all over, and I have to stop listening to people witter on about the stress, pressure, busyness and expense and everything goes back to normal.
In verrrry exciting news I will be available for duos with the lovely Bibi between January 26th-30th in Hounslow. Here's a pic of her and here is her website.
We will be available for duos (we're both bi and love to play!) as well as individually on those dates.
For duos we will be charging £120 for 30 minutes, £200 for an hour and £300 for 90 minutes. For longer sessions give me a call to discuss! We will also be available for outcalls in the Heathrow area.
Am very excited and can't wait to get my hands on her lovely assets!
Here is a story, based on actual events between my good self and a lovely lovely client who wanted to dabble into the world of roleplay. He emailed me suggesting that he play the part of an insurance assessor coming round to valuate some rather intimate items of mine...
Lydia gets her assets assessed...
As the owner of some very fine assets I was very keen to get them looked over by an expert, have them valued and hopefully have them insured over loss or damage. As you can imagine I possess some fine pieces of great value and essential in my line of work.
As great fortune would have it I received an offer from a fine London establishment to send a valuations specialist to my humble abode to look over my wares. Here is an excerpt from our email communications:
Here at Koch & Spankmeyer we understand that every one of our clients has a personal and idiosyncratic collection of items that they treasure. It is our privilege to offer peace of mind about their preservation and value. Throughout our long history -- our firm has been providing insurance since 1869 -- we have always sought to offer complete satisfaction, no matter how individual the items our clients possess may be.
Rest assured our representative has been meticulously trained in providing the very highest levels of personal care while at all times maintaining utter professionalism and a single-minded focus on your needs.
Koch & Spankmeyer, Insurers
"Your assets will be in good hands with us"
I was of course reassured by the tone of the letter as well as the longevity of this esteemed organisation of Koch & Spankmeyer and eagerly awaited the gentleman who was tasked with uncovering my finest treasures.
Soon enough the day arrived and I dressed carefully for my meeting. One likes to give a good first impression and as I knew that some assets would require close inspection I wanted to ensure my insurance man was presented them in the best light.
On arrival I was greeted by a pleasant gentleman, clearly refined and an expert in his field. He gave me a brief history of his company and by good fortune mentioned that they have clients who insure body parts, for example a guitarist who has his thumb insured.
This made it easy for me to introduce the first item I wished to have insured. I told him that I was very interested in having my fine breasts insured. Such a gentleman he was, he didn't look phased and soon held my assets in his hands weighing them carefully. I suggested that maybe he would like a closer look to really appreciate their value and began to undo my blouse buttons. Such wonder was upon his face as I revealed my full, rounded globes. He nuzzled his face into them taking them in carefully, I could tell he was enjoying the evaluation immensely!
As an expert should, he asked if he could get a closer look, so I swiftly lifted my breasts out of the silky bra cups. His hands were on them immediately and the sensation of his thumbs running over my nipples was a delight. As part of the detailed evaluation process he sucked on my hard nipples, squeezed my bosoms together and exclaimed with delight at the wonders. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was rather excited by both his touch and enthusiasm.
However, we had a lot to get through so I invited him through to my boudoir....
Part Two coming up later....
Decided to do some quick fun Christmas snaps of myself this afternoon to please my dear readers.
Made a backdrop with a festive red blanket up against the bit of wall under the window with a can of tinned tomatoes and a jar of Lloyd Grossman Tomato & Basil pasta sauce holding it down on the window sill.
Found gold tinsel to wrap provocatively around bosom, set camera on coffee table and put it on timer taking ten shots in a row to save time. Posed and wiggled towards camera. All blurred because for some reason camera decided it was a macro shot. Repeated. Still all blurry, Looked at camera and couldn't work out how to stop it making its own mind up.
Decided to take more pictures holding camera myself. Rolled about aiming camera in direction of body snapping away feeling like David Bailey. Then managed to pull blanket so tin and jar fell off. Thank God did not land on face and break teeth. All the shots so far were shit anyway.
Tried some more laying down holding camera above head to get shots of body still provocatively wrapped in tinsel. Mis-aimed and took picture of wall and sofa.
Did some sitting up ones with a mini Christmas tree between boobs. I thought it would be 'fun'. It wasn't, just looked mental and managed to scratch self. Then noticed a spot on boob as glowing as Rudolph's red nose. Cried.
Have given up. Sorry.
In other festive news I got it to snow on my home page
Rewrote another Christmas carol this morning. This is how I spent my time seeing as I was let down by not one but two potential clients. Luckily this means I shall be extra horny for my late afternoon chappy!
Anyway, this time to the tune of Good King Wencelas (yes I know there should be one more verse, but I was starting to go insane)
Minxy Lydia was a tart
You could not do better
Book an hour for a start
You could write a letter
But an email or a call
Will get you seen quicker
Guaranteed you’ll have a ball
Specially if you lick her
Plain straight sex or something new,
Fingers up the botty.
Anal play is not for you?
Still come see this hotty
She does roleplay very well
Take your pick cos she won’t tell
That your bum is hairy
What about a rude French Maid,
Or a slutty school girl?
It’s your choice, be not afraid
Want to be a squirrel?
She has heard it all before
Nothing will now shock her
Don’t forget she is a whore
And an anal fister
She can be a sweet girlfriend
Don’t need to be kinky
All your needs she can attend
She is very busty
You can play with her big tits
She can suck your cock off
Slide it in to see it fits
And give her a good boff
To the tune of Once in Royal David's City.
Should you want to sing the real version to purge yourself of my badness then here they are
1. Once in royal London’s City
Stood a lonely sexless man
Where can I get laid he wondered
On his iphone he began
Minxy was that floosie, wild
Called her up and he then he smiled
2. He came down from town to Hounslow
She was hot and not too tall
And her prices are quite fair,
And her titties are not small;
With her hand and mouth did slowly,
Make his cock so hard and poley
3. And though all this wondrous session
He would kiss and fondle her,
Stoke and watch the lovely Lydia
In whose gentle arms he lay:
Paying Punters all must be
Clean, obedient, good as he.
4. For she is an excellent escort
You should see her for yourself
She is minxy, hot and saucy
Sucks a cock like no one else
And she is a cure for sadness
Book her now and feel the gladness
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve truckers dogging,
Eleven men a pissing,
Ten fingers fisting,
Nine lashes whipping,
Eight inches fucking,
Seven mins of rimming,
Six hours of licking,
Five anal beads,
Four leather straps,
Three big black cocks,
Two nipple clamps,
And a face full of sticky cum!
I thought I'd send my Christmas wishes to Santa in a re wording of a popular Christmas tune.